In my previous life as a staff reporter at a serious daily newspaper, my editors would sometimes obliquely mock our readers by forcing reporters, myself included, to write stories that revealed the editorial staff’s estimation of the readers’ intelligence.
The story would expound the gritty minutae of a task so universally understood that the reporter would know instantly that its publication would tar him/her forever as the designated village-idiot. There is nothing the reporter could do about this.
What follows is what one such story might look like, a story about how to fit a strap around your suitcase.
You may have seen similar stories in fine publications like The Globe and Mail and The National Post, one of which actually published a Page A3 story on how to hold a kitchen knife. Page A3 is usually reserved for top local news, crime, politics or events/people of note.
No doubt, the reporter had her own unwritten thoughts on uses for knives.
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- Stand suitcase up on end so that wheels are closest to ground surface. Place on stable surfaces only such as a floor, concrete pad or rigid table. Do not place on moving car, bicycle, wicker chair or stove top.
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- You will need an adjustable utility-grade webbed strap with non-corrosive buckle. (writing a sentence like this would result in a flood of phone calls to the newsroom asking where non-corrosive buckles could be found. This would be because the reporter had actually written “PLASTIC” buckle, but the editor thought “NON-CORROSIVE” looked more intelligent.
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- You will also need 1. scissors 2. tweezers with sharp ends 3. nail clipper
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- Inserting thumb and middle finger into loops, use scissors to cut cardboard backing away from plastic sleeve containing luggage strap.
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- If scissors fail to pierce packaging, stab with tweezers or clip with nail clippers.
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- If sharp implements fail, tear packaging apart with your bare hands.
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- Pull out the strap and inspect that its edges are straight and the webbing is undamaged.
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- Measure suitcase girth
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- Advanced users can skip measuring tape step and directly configure strap length by holding it around middle section of the suitcase.
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- Wrap strap around middle section of the suitcase, sliding under handle for added security.
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- Do not place strap at diagonal.
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- Place luggage strap at centre of suitcase, not at top or bottom ends.
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- Securing the strap in place with a bow or knot will not provide maximum protection.
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- Attach strap buckle ends by fixing together until buckle pops into place.
HoboNotes 
Nobody but Jo could actually pull this off!